SHOOTING PORN WITH FRIENDS - THE MAKING OF SUNDAY SESSIONS SEVEN
Last week I wrote about my experience of shooting a pretty intense encounter with Xochilt in INTERSECT ONE. She was a complete stranger to me and had never been with another woman. So what did we do? We got it on and documented it through the camera, of course.
This week I had an almost opposite experience that I’d like to share with you all.
Oscar Mike and I really enjoy making our own videos. We live together, we’re super comfortable with one another, and are always game to push each others boundaries in the name of art…and for fun. But sometimes the videos we want to make need a bit more than just a static camera on a tripod, but are a bit too “hands-on” to film ourselves.
For our Sunday Sessions series, I really wanted to do some throat training and film it, and this was one of those times where we needed an extra set of hands. We hadn’t yet had another person film us for any of these projects, but we didn’t need to think long before we came across a suitable person.
Rayne is a friend of both of ours. She has shot with OM a fair few times, I’ve taught her at my dance studio, and during that time we’ve had some great chats and now enjoy each others company without the camera. Although we’ve never made anything super explicit with her, she’s very open minded and didn’t bat an eyelid when we asked her to film me getting throat fucked.
Now, even though I seem super chill about all this stuff I do, it’s still pretty nerve-wracking. I have a fair bit of irrational anxiety about sex, so much so that I actually postponed this shoot on the day we had originally planned. This is something that I’m working on which I’m sure I will discuss with you guys soon. For now though, I’m just focusing on the goal which is having fun with friends and making some cool content.
Deep down I knew it was going to be a perfectly fine afternoon, but honestly, I didn’t expect that shooting this scene was going to be such a wonderful, moving experience. It wasn’t until we were done that I realised I had experienced ZERO anxiety during the whole thing. I had fun, I felt comfortable and safe, I felt free to let loose and really be myself, and just enjoy the experience as a whole without having these horrible stabbing thoughts in the back of my mind of “What does she really think of me?” or “I can’t give this my all because I’m uncomfortable, therefore I’m not good enough.”
I have been working on being mindful of my thoughts lately, but really, working with such close friends and wonderful people showed me that making erotica in this environment really reinforces that I am indeed capable of doing these incredibly intense things in front of other people, that you normally only do in private.
I can understand if you’re a bit confused by this. I’m saying that I get anxious about doing these thing in front of other people, yet I post porn of myself on the internet. It’s the same thing, isn’t it?
For me, it’s really very different. For one, the content I share on the internet, I’m not physically naked in front of all of these people that might view it. I create the content in private, and then go on to share it, so when that other person is viewing it, they aren’t actually viewing me, they’re only viewing an image or video of me. This also means that the way they react to it doesn’t involve me whatsoever - neither of us are putting any pressure on one another. What I have to give is wrapped in a perfect digital package, and they are not required to talk to me or interact with me whatsoever. Socialising is tough at the best of times, but socialising and involving something as taboo as sex and porn? That’s a pretty demanding situation!
When I’m in front of the camera, I’m sharing the true essence of myself with the world, putting myself in a very vulnerable position. For me to enjoy this experience, I need to trust the people I’m working with, knowing that they’re supportive of me and not judging me, the same way I am with them. I’m so so grateful that I have friends like OM and Rayne that I can explore my sexuality with. To me, this artistic examination of my sexuality is a really important part of learning who I am, and I know it is for so many others too. It’s getting better, but in today’s society we are still sexually oppressed, especially those with alternative sexual views or ways of life. By sharing my explorations with the world, I’m hoping that I can help even just a few others to realise that it’s okay to not fit into the general mould of society, and that talking about and exploring these taboo desires is perfectly okay, healthy, and an important part of being human.
And if you’re ever needing to open up about your sexuality or just want to talk to someone about what’s happening in your head, know that you can always reach me through my instagram or via email - firstname.lastname@example.org.
This is a safe space.